One thing he helped me understand was how relevant my energy levels were to my own mental state.For example, from time to time we'd spend long weekends together.(c) Mark Goulston Blog Author, you take an almost too extreme stand against affairs.I have a very good reason for dating a married man...we're in love. That the wife has not to face questions of her neighbors?Affairs can be extra tough to walk away from because there’s that fear that you haven’t been understanding and patient enough – you have – and that all pervasive fear that you’re going to break up with Mr Married/Attached just at that moment when he was actually going to leave his wife/girlfriend.
Does he want you to be his girlfriend, or are you destined to be his “other woman? You’re missing the chance to meet a man who’s devoted to you and only you. I know a bunch of women who do this, and I’ve told them all the same thing. Or is it because you’re scared of commitment yourself? I found myself in this nightmare and ultimately left.
No matter what he’s leaving behind, if he really loved you, he’d be with you. If he hasn’t left his wife, it’s because he doesn’t want to leave her. If you want to know where you really stand with this guy you’re going to have to give him an ultimatum.
He needs to decide whether he wants to be with you, or his family. It’s a tough thing to do, but you need to sit him down and tell him, “I love you. I’d love us to be together, but I’m not doing this anymore. Call me when you’ve moved out and she knows about us, and then I’ll see you again. All you’re going to do is waste your life, trying to steal a man that’s never going to be yours.
Be honest with you about what you’re trying to achieve. If you really do want to break up with him and you are sick of the situation, he shouldn’t be able to wheedle his way around you. Yes, you are breaking up because he can’t give you what you need, want and deserve, , you’re also breaking up with him because YOU are better than this. Yes you may be conditioned to think that the crumbs are enough for you, but the reality is that a healthy relationship with a man that is only with you and puts you at the centre of his life, feels far different to the flimsy ‘relationship’ that you’re in now. Think of the woman he’s with, the woman that you view as the person who is robbing you of the opportunity to be with your guy, as a human being with feelings and strengths and weaknesses just like you. Affairs and in fact, all dubious relationships rely on element of shame and secrecy and this compounds your dilemma.
If this is about trying to influence or even force him into making a decision or at the very least, gameplaying, re-evaluate your motives and think about the bigger picture and whether is how you want to spend your time, because it’s a slippery slope to losing your dignity and no one is worth that. One of the strengths of the guy in this relationship is that he has the power to get around you. That and whatever you’re prepared to settle for is what you’re going to get. Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if you were her in the same situation. When you stop seeing her as this inconvenient, pesky obstacle, in truly empathising, you will be able to feel compassion and also have self-compassion. Do you still want to be doing this in 3, 6, 9, 12 months or even in years? Instead of being in watching TV with your feet up waiting for his call, be out. If you think you’ll be tempted to be swayed, change your mobile phone or block his email address. You’d be surprised though – lots of people have been in your situation.